Rough Weekend

Sleep seemed hard to come by this weekend--last night I had a combination of indigestion and a dog that was apparently too hot in his crate (he let us know ALL about it) that made for fitful sleep at best (an hour of straight sleep was welcome!). It is definitely by God's grace that I am even conscious and able to write at this keyboard.

Thankfully, there's a small weekend vacation coming up and perhaps a time to get away and relax. June will make a year here in the Valley, and while in some ways it has gone slow, in other ways it has gone fast. I have to be honest, though, that I don't really feel at home here, as if this is another temporary stopping place--much like one of many train stations along a run of railroad track.

We have found a pretty good church with the community atmosphere that we have been looking for (though it is Presbyterian and we would have some disagreement with them on some issues, though nothing that would prevent us attending or fellowshipping with them--the reformed doctrine is shared, for sure). Even with this and how time is moving, I feel like I am treading water, as if my life is in a holding pattern until I am able to move to the next stage or chapter. God in His infinite wisdom has ordained it to be so, but it doesn't make it any easier to understand!

I took my wife with me to get my car oil changed (yes, it took me only three weeks to travel 3100 miles) and the lobby was full of young mothers and their children. One couple who may have been younger or older than us, though not by much, simply gushed over their newborn--my wife remarked to me why it seems we were constantly bombarded with such experiences when we are having a very difficult time having one of our own. A few years ago, I might have come back with a very "spiritual" or even a truly Biblical response. Lately, however, I don't know how to respond because I feel so heartbroken by it--I know that God does not set out to torture individuals who, more importantly, are His children--saved and bought by the blood of Christ. But as each month passes and disappointment upon disappointment mounts (and we are surrounded by individuals who seemingly have no trouble at all), I cannot help at times but weep to God and plead for our prayers to be granted to have a child of our own. You start to ask yourself if your desire to have a child is somehow impure, or wrong, and wonder what it is you can do to convince Him that it is the right time. At other times I cannot pray at all, because I do not know how--it is too painful to contemplate. God must sustain us through this for otherwise we would physically perish under the strain and disappointment that results. For (seemingly) unanswered prayer, it would seem that David's cry in Psalm 13 of "How long, O Lord?" is most appropriate.

God, increase our faith and trust in You even we do not understand your purposes.