Friendships
As a quick aside, I have been frustrated lately with folks I've tried to stay in contact with. I know that lives get busy and we have other pressing matters, but it seems to me that it is quite hard to gain or make a friendship, and so easy to maintain it.
I have been unable to regain contact over the last two years with several friends from high school and several friends from college--it is their choice, for sure--they have no obligation to email back or call, etc. With some in the city we used to live in (at the Beach), life has understandably gotten very busy, and I can understand that. In fact, even when I was younger, a strong acquaintance (we were not quite friends, but hung out at school quite a bit) moved to an adjacent city, only 10 miles a way, and I can't say that I ever called him or got together with him once he moved, and we lost touch--so I am by far innocent of such actions.
Perhaps too this frustration is heightened by the fact that since I am on the road a lot, I have the opportunity to use my cell to try to contact people (this is the reason that one law school buddy and I, who lives on the West Coast, keep in such good contact), and thus I have "time" to do this. However, it is more likely that since I have no real friends here in our new city that I am trying to keep in touch with old friends.
So other than a few law school buddies and my college roommate, I am at the point of giving up on trying to contact the others, especially when it seems that I need contact with them more than they do with me (maybe they are trying to tell me something?).
Who knows--I do know that in looking around, many folks in this world treat friendship too lightly.
I have been unable to regain contact over the last two years with several friends from high school and several friends from college--it is their choice, for sure--they have no obligation to email back or call, etc. With some in the city we used to live in (at the Beach), life has understandably gotten very busy, and I can understand that. In fact, even when I was younger, a strong acquaintance (we were not quite friends, but hung out at school quite a bit) moved to an adjacent city, only 10 miles a way, and I can't say that I ever called him or got together with him once he moved, and we lost touch--so I am by far innocent of such actions.
Perhaps too this frustration is heightened by the fact that since I am on the road a lot, I have the opportunity to use my cell to try to contact people (this is the reason that one law school buddy and I, who lives on the West Coast, keep in such good contact), and thus I have "time" to do this. However, it is more likely that since I have no real friends here in our new city that I am trying to keep in touch with old friends.
So other than a few law school buddies and my college roommate, I am at the point of giving up on trying to contact the others, especially when it seems that I need contact with them more than they do with me (maybe they are trying to tell me something?).
Who knows--I do know that in looking around, many folks in this world treat friendship too lightly.
Labels: acquaintance, college, friends, friendship
posted by Dan B. @ 7:57 AM
3 Comments:
At 11:41 PM ,
Sarah said...
i know exactly how you feel (well not exactly, i'm a recent college grad myself). it's so frustrating. i keep praying God will shed some light on this issue, and very soon, because personally, i'm getting tired of it.
At 1:37 AM ,
Mr. Hibbity Gibbity said...
Ah, the great mystery.
First, I'll admit that I read this a few weeks ago, thought about commenting immediately after reading it, but thought it might be better if I mulled it over a little.
Now, I find myself trying to write a coherent response (when it's way past my bedtime) to a post that I've only read once and am too tired to read again at the moment.
(Why does this feel like Bible class all over again? Argh!!!)
Anywho . . .
You've stumbled upon a question/situation/characteristic/
what-have-you, that I've long tried to come to terms with. Unfortunately, to this day, I don't believe I'm any closer to understanding this phenomenon than you are.
If anything, however, I've come to accept that this is just part of life. People change. Life changes. Friendships form. Things happen. Paths converge and seperate.
Friendships tend to develop as a result of common interests. You connect with people that share similar interests, goals, aspirations, ways of thinking, beliefs, morals, etc.
Proximity also has a large part in friendship. It's very easy to maintain a friendship and/or a level of "connectedness" with someone you see on a regular basis and (referring to above) with whom you share a common interest.
But, as life happens, things change, people change and since we live in a culture where job success is oftentimes tantamount to community, people move away from each other and lose the proximity effect.
Community, while idealized and seemingly sought after, is in actuality, dismissed for the corporate grind and ladder climbing that so many seem to fall victim too. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying that we shouldn't attempt to better ourselves within the corporate structure, but I think so many in our generation lose site of what's truly important. Mankind was born on a farm and was made for communion and community and yet we seal ourselves off with jobs, hobbies, electronics and even the internet.
Of course, we've all heard that true friendship can survive distance and the passage of time; and that's true. True friendship can survive life's hardships.
But ask yourself, how many people really know how to be a friend nowadays?
In my travels, the most common definition of "friend" is one that I would tend to attribute to the definition of "acquaintance". Which of course then opens up a third possibility for the dissolution of a friendship - perhaps one or both parties never truly knew the other and/or didn't want to be known.
This, more often than not, seems to be the case, in my opinion; because again, most people simply don't know how to be a friend. Their definition is someone that wholly accepts them for who they are and someone that won't hold them accountable for their actions, because they miscontrue accountability as judgementalism.
That is the modern definition of what it is to be a friend.
For my own part, having put my trust and faith in so many, ultimately, undeserving people, I've become very careful with who I'll truly open up and be myself with.
What you described in your post is something that took me by suprise after high school, something I tried to prepare myself as college graduation loomed ever closer and which has ultimately lead me to view anyone that engages me, with "friendly overtures", with a certain amount of skepticism.
And while I suppose I could go into further detail about specific experiences with common acquaintances, that have contributed to my current conclusions, I think it best if I end this now.
Sorry if this wasn't the answer you were looking for, but it's the only one that I have and the only one that, sadly, makes sense to me.
This is perhaps why it's been said that if you leave this world having had one true friend, then you're truly a blessed individual.
At 7:08 AM ,
Dan B. said...
hibbity--good to see you again. Your definitions are well-put and your commentary on how people DON'T know how to be a friend is insightful. Our busy lives dictate the relationships that we have, and even the depth at which those relationships are had.
I had a moment last week where I had to stop and think why I had not called an individual on my contacts list (on my cell phone) and realized I was having a selfish/childish moment. "But he never calls me, why should I call him?" Then I realized that is not what it should be about, if we are brothers in Christ, which we are. He's got three kids, helps run a church and has numerous responsibilities. Sure, I'm out here in a part of Virginia with no friends, but the reaching out goes both ways. I just had to suck it up and call anyway, and we had a good conversation.
The whole thing is an interesting phenomenon indeed.
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