Day Downer

I had my yearly review today, one that I had not really been looking forward to. I just got back from a quite fruitless court date (the only case that I could have gotten something from, the person showed up and stated they did not owe the amount sued)--drove about 2 1/2 hours there and 2 1/2 hours back to essentially continue all my cases to a new date.

Right before lunch, I was called into my supervising attorney's office, we had a five minute discussion about things we had already talked about (things where I could improve) and then I was told that I would get a raise that from what I calculated was essentially a cost of living increase. I am grateful for a raise, though it is small and as an attorney, hard to face. I didn't really reply or have any thing to say since it wouldn't have done anything to change it--it's not like the initial negotiation process when hiring. THEY evaluate YOU and tell you how it's going to be. My "grade" was not very encouraging, but what can you do about it but move on and do better tomorrow--it punched me in the stomach today but you gotta get back up!

I'll grant that I've made mistakes (some of which were big) and that I probably didn't pick things up as fast as they wanted, but for all the traveling I do (even being reimbursed), I can't really say that I can stay here at the level of pay I've got (not to mention for financial reasons--student loans just don't disappear!). And I'm certainly not one of those self-esteem needy guys who needs to be puffed up, but I can't honestly remember one time this past year where I was called into one of the other attorney's offices for a positive reason, it was always when I was doing something wrong. So it seems if I'm not having office talks with them, it's a good thing. It's been an interesting experience so far, and I'm trying hard to keep an open mind to learning in spite of the struggle and my frustrations.

I'm glad to be working rather than not working (I did that for 10 months) and I have to find purpose in where my wife and I have been put. But it doesn't make it any easier to wonder why it seems that I've had to struggle harder than the majority of my classmates in making my way in the legal profession. God's got a plan, I know, but the weird schedule and traveling makes me weary at times (traveling 1100 miles this week alone makes me long for the weekend!).